Monday, January 23, 2012


What I've Done, by Linkin Park makes me cry.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not a sad song, but it holds a lot of memories for me.
I read somewhere that the sense of smell is the strongest memory you have. That may be true, but for me, songs hold memories. Which is funny, because I don't really like music. Anyway, there are the songs that immediately remind me of high school, or the summer after Geoff and I started dating.
And then there are the songs that remind me of 2007.

In the year 2007 I was happy, truly happy, for about 4 months. One third of that year I was happy. In August I finally went to the doctor and started taking antidepressants. The next few months were wonderful, because I was finally happy. Not depressed. The veil had lifted. Until December, when Geoff's dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and, well...things just didn't go well after that.

So in the summer of 2007, Transformers came out, and my big, geek of a boyfriend took me to see it. Ever since then, the song What I've Done reminds me of that summer, which reminds me of how unhappy I was. So, I try not to think about it.

Looking back, there is a couple years of my life that I try not to think about, namely the summer of 2007 and most of 2008. Thankfully, 2009 was pretty good, and 2010, our first year of marriage was also good year.
I guess I never realized how much my depression still affects me, even after several years, after it's under control and, generally speaking, I'm happy. Last week I heard What I've Done on the radio, (on a day that, for whatever reason, was already not so great) and I was plummeted into memories that I don't want to remember.
At Thanksgiving we went to visit family, at Geoff's old school stomping grounds. I had lived there for a few months after he dad got sick and, ultimately, passed. Driving down those roads, as Geoff reminisced, all I could do was remember. Things I didn't want to remember.

I guess, sometimes, the past doesn't always escape us, no matter how well we think we have it under control.

There's no point to this post, really. No subject I want to touch on, no questions I want to ask at the end. No neat wrap-up. There are just words that I needed to write, because sometimes, I'm still sad.

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