Struggling

Did you know October is National Depression Awareness Month? Yeah, neither did I, until recently. For me, however, it's always national depression awareness month because I'm constantly reminded of my own depression.

I've been struggling lately. Struggling with depression, frustration and an overwhelming sadness that I can't quite explain.
The past two weeks have been fun, as I've had my mom visiting and then two friends from the South. I played tourist with my friends and was spoiled by my mom. It was wonderful. However, this week I'm facing my fears. Facing the fear that I will be home without work. My goal of finding a job, any job this month is proving to be more difficult than I thought. After not hearing back from the two interviews I did have, I lost a little bit of confidence. I had another interview on Friday and I have the strong possibility of a part time job (15 hours a week) provided my supervisor can find the money in his budget. I should be excited, but I'm anxious all the same.

My depression, which was under control, is flaring up again and though I'm busy most nights of the week, thankfully, my days are spent in ways I don't want them to be spent. I'm discouraged. Today I set my alarm for 8:30, like usual, but accidentally shut it off when it went off. While I normally make it out of bed by 9:15, today I woke up at 11. I hate that.

Do you ever just want people to know you're struggling, without telling them? I definitely do. It's hard to put on a happy face when I'm not feeling that way. It's hard to hide the fact that one day I'm truly happy and another day I'm faking it.
Maybe it's just the post-guest letdown. I hope so.